Communication in a Relationship

Communication in a relationship is so important. In fact, it is the vital key to success. So many couples fail to see the value of communication and just as many don't know how to communicate effectively. Learning this skill can make all the difference to your happiness.

Many couples are mutually abusive, which means they respond to verbal or emotional abuse with like abuse. It is little wonder then that so many marriages are dysfunctional. It is hard to create an environment of positive, loving communication when you've never experienced that kind of environment yourself. People who grew up in dysfunctional families with negative communication patterns often find themselves falling into those same behaviors themselves when they get married.

Once a marriage has broken down, neither partner feels inclined toward communication in a relationship nor do they wish to open up to the other person. Prevention is better than cure, so it is important to learn constructive arguing techniques before a couple marries. But even when things have deteriorated, it is never too late to set things right.

Getting Your Spouse to Open Up Again

Often, both partners in a marriage want to be perceived as "tough." They don't want to give in first. They want to show their partner that they don't need him or her. As a result, the communication gap grows wider. Neither person will confess what it is that is worrying them. Mistrust fills the gaps created by silence. Soon, differences feel irreconcilable and most communication in the relationship is either empty or dead.

If you want to get your spouse to open up and break the silence barrier, there are a few things you need to do.

Often, the reason that your spouse isn't talking is because he or she doesn't want to create conflict by confessing their feelings. We all have negative feelings about our spouse or our relationships from time to time. In many marriages, partners zip their lip and say nothing, repressing their feelings until resentment seeps through. In other marriages, partners react angrily towards their spouse and express their feelings through criticism and verbal abuse. Neither option makes for a healthy marriage.

Even if your spouse isn't saying anything to you, chances are that he or she has a lot to say. It's just that your spouse doesn't know how to bring it up, is afraid of your reaction, or doesn't think it is worth the effort to share with you.

You can get your spouse to open up to you again by creating an environment in which he or she feels safe and comfortable talking. But avoid these tactics like the plague:

- Demanding that your spouse tell you what's wrong or why they won't talk. - Accusing your partner of giving you the silent treatment. - Getting angry at them for not contributing their part to the conversation. - Feeling resentful that they're making life difficult for you.

Instead, this is what you need to do:

1. Practice your own listening skills. Instead of filling in the silences with chatter, allow those silences to remain. Often, one spouse compensates for another's lack of speech by talking too much. Your partner may feel that you never give him or her a chance to speak because you're always talking.

2. Cultivate an attitude of non-judgmental acceptance. This means that you unconditionally love and accept your partner, no matter what he or she says. If you often respond defensively or critically when your partner shares his or her thoughts and feelings, you are actually punishing your partner for opening up to you. If your partner tries to open up, acknowledge his or her comments to show that you are listening, but refrain from adding your own opinion until you've heard everything that he or she has to say. Sometimes, we just need to be heard, and it feels better knowing that our partner has listened to us all the way through without criticizing or condemning us.

3. Learn how to apologize and mean it. One apology, meant sincerely, goes a long way. When your partner shares a concern or problem that he or she is having with your marriage, don't resort to an angry retort. Listen carefully, without criticism or a knee-jerk self-defense. If you are too upset to think clearly, tell your partner that you appreciate hearing about his or her concern, but that you need time to think it over. If you come tothe conclusion that what your partner has told you has some truth in it, apologize clearly and directly.

Instead of muttering, "I'm sorry," look at your partner in the eyes and tell him or her, "I am sorry for.... I am sorry for having made you feel like you did." By telling him or her in your own words what you're sorry for - in other words, what you did or said that made your partner feel hurt - you show your partner that you really do understand.

4. Making opening up to one another a positive experience. It may sound wishy-washy or fuzzy, but verbally thanking one another for sharing thoughts and feelings is valuable positive reinforcement. A hug after a difficult conversation can make all the difference. It doesn't matter if you agree or disagree with your partner; what matters is that you show your partner that you really do care about his or her feelings and opinions.

Every time your partner shares something, no matter how little, express your gratitude. Tell your partner, "I'm glad I know that you like that/feel that way/believe that. I like knowing more about you. It makes me feel closer to you."

How to Argue

Most couples are exceedingly poor at resolving conflicts. But there are a number of techniques designed to help with healthier conflict resolution. Here are some of the most basic ground-rules for arguments. Discuss these with your spouse and agree on them together.

1. Abuse and physical violence will not be tolerated. If things get too hot, take a break or take a walk.

2. Avoid assigning blame. Instead, talk about how your partner's actions made you feel.

3. Be honest. Don't argue about one thing if something else is bothering you.

4. Don't take things personally. When someone is upset, they can say or do things that make it worse.

5. Focus on resolving the issue, not winning the argument. Think negotiation, not competition.

6. If your spouse hasn't understood your motives or misunderstood what you said, don't get angry. Explain yourself.

7. No bringing up hurtful events from the past. Stay in the present.

8. No going to sleep on an argument.

9. No name-calling. 10. Once an argument is resolved, forgive and forget.

There is no disputing the fact that effective communication in a relationship is the vital ingredient to its success or failure. Open up healthy channels of communication and your perceptions of each other will change for the better. These new perceptions will in turn affect your general behaviour toward each other and love will inevitably rekindle.